‘You need to believe in yourself, more’

Has anyone ever said that to you?

How did you respond? With ‘yes, I know’ or ‘Really? I didn’t know that.’

I’m guessing the former? (Tell me if I’m wrong!)

But knowing it and knowing what to do about it is perhaps not so obvious.

Your first step might be to clarify what the other person means specifically (see my post last week which will really help you get that clarity).
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You may or may not agree with their views but of course their perception is their reality.

Your second step? Lots of possibilities but I like this question:
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‘If I had more self belief, how would I show up in a different way?’

That’s a question for you to consider and to ask the person who gave you that feedback.

Then you can decide what, if anything, you want to do about it.

One of the things I notice when I’m supervising newish coaches as well as coaching leaders is how easy it is to assume we understand what is being said.

But what we are actually doing is making meaning based on our own ‘map of the world.’

I remember falling into this trap myself as a new coach way back when – particularly with those words ‘challenge’ and ‘support’. A client would say, for example, that he wanted me to challenge him and I’d say ‘yes, of course’ - but my understanding of the word ‘challenge’ might be very different from his. So we’re already at cross purposes.

I love the phrase that I learned when I did my Conversational Intelligence® training with the late Judith E. Glaser. She talked about ‘double-clicking’ on words or phrases to better understand the meaning.

I use that phrase a lot. If I ask my coaching client to ‘double- click’ on the word challenge, for example, we both get much clearer on what that word means.

Some engineering clients of mine prefer the phrase ‘drillin...

As 29th February only comes around every four years it got me thinking about leaps of faith. (Yeh, I know - tenuous link!)

A Leap of Faith takes you toward something – hopefully something new, fresh, positive, exciting, …..choose your own words.

It’s the very opposite of staying where you are (now, staying where you are is great if you are happy and fulfilled in that place).

But when you’re stuck, unhappy, unfulfilled – staying where you are is horrible. And yet paradoxically it can feel ‘safe.’ It’s familiar.

And we all know an energy vampire who moans and whinges but does nothing whatsoever to change their situation. (Be kind – they’re staying safe!)

Leaping into the unknown can feel really scary. We don’t always want to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway.’

So my first rule of thumb is to start to make the unknown ‘known; the unfamiliar ‘familiar’.

Want a new job but don’t have the confidence to apply?

Start with a mind-map of the sort of role you want or do a search for jobs that interest yo...

Is lack of leadership confidence holding you back?

If so you are not alone.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

I want you to know this.

Firstly - Confidence is made not born.

Secondly - we can ALL grow our confidence with integrity and without undergoing a personality transplant or becoming a clone or an arrogant, entitled idiot. 

Thirdly - We’re making a BIG mistake when we say ‘I’ll do that (whatever ‘that’ is) when I’ve got more confidence’.

NO, NO, NO!!

The way we become MORE confident is by taking on those new challenges one small step at a time.

Taking action effects change. 

If you want this to be the year you REALLY step up and find that confident you (and help those around you find THEIR confidence too) then keep watching and keep reading.

I’ve got a ton of things to share with you over the coming weeks.

And an online programme starting soon. 

If you’re interested in knowing more, let me know. You’ll be the first to get details .

Confidence starts here.

It’s so easy to unintentionally close people down when we’re in a hurry, think we know the answer, assume what the other person means and so on. 
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Here are a couple of examples:

Team member – ‘I think we need to do some work on helping people understand our values a bit more and what they look like in practice’.

Boss – ‘I disagree – it’s not a priority right now’.

Conversation closed.

Same boss gets frustrated that her team ‘don’t innovate as much as they should’ and ‘don’t seem to have the creative ideas she is expecting from them’.

I wonder why?!

‘Better’ response?’ I’d like to hear your thoughts on how we do that’/’that’s interesting, I thought everyone was really clear – so tell me more’. 

That opens up a dialogue.

Here’s a second example:

Team member – ‘I can’t get my voice heard in the meeting. I try to speak but get drowned out by the louder voices. I don’t know what to do’.

Boss – ‘I’ll give you an agenda topic to work with so you can lead on that, okay?’

Team member (to self) - ‘that’s n...

I’ve been talking with a newly promoted leader this week about his first off-site with his new team.

The temptation, with an extremely challenging project to deliver in 2020, was to use the time to draw up their actions, priorities and timescales.

I disagreed.

The team don’t know each other that well. Much better to spend the time getting to know each other – who they are, what makes them tick, their leadership journey thus far, how they need to BE together to get the right things done..…..and to be clear on their big WHY. 

Of course, this is not a ‘one off’ event.

But when we build that firm foundation the rest will follow.

Creating the culture you want starts with conversations and connection.

It’s as simple as that.

Team member: ‘Have you got a minute?’

You: ‘Go on……’

30 minutes later you’re behind schedule and seem to have landed a big monkey on your back and a mountain of tasks on your already bulging to-do list.

So many leaders love the idea of a ‘coaching approach’ to leadership but believe it can ‘take too long’ or else they just slip into the auto-pilot of reactive problem solving.

There is another way – even when you’re pushed for time.

This is how it works.

Team Member: Have you got a minute?

You: I’ve got 10 minutes – What do you need?

And then:

You: What’s the most useful thing we can do in these 10 minutes to help you move forward?

Result? Team member decides what they need to take the first step towards their solution and you leave without the monkey.

Try it – it really does work.

I’ve been conducting a poll in my Effortless Leader Revolution Facebook Group on the topic of Leadership Confidence.

The NUMBER ONE area where people want to find more confidence is in the area of Difficult Conversations.

Now, I could give you a whole load of ‘tips and techniques’ but it would only go part way to helping you get to grips with this.

And because this is something I struggled with myself for such a long time I feel ‘called’ to share what I’ve learned about this all-too-common topic.

Not to mention some of the other topics that kill our confidence.

I’d love to hear your questions about leadership confidence. Email them to me here [email protected]

I promise to answer every question I get. 

Over to you!

If confidence is the thing that holds you back and you want to change this in 2020 I’m your gal.

I’ve had to work on this stuff so much myself over the years and I’ve supported dozens of leaders like you to build their confidence so that they’re happier, more focused and ultimately better leaders.

If I can do it and they can do it then you can do it too. (No magic wands, elves or unicorns required).

I wish you a very happy Christmas and a confident 2020.

P.S. My Lead with Confidence programme launches early in the New Year. The price?  About the same as a quality one day training course but with focused content, ongoing support and accountability.  +++ PLUS no need to venture out into the freezing cold, sit in an airless corporate box or drink stewed tea. Intrigued?  Email me at [email protected] and I’ll let you know when we’re launching.

It’s probably way too early to be thinking of New Year resolutions when there are presents to buy, turkeys to cook and trees to decorate.

But just imagine for a minute that one year has passed – it’s December 2020. 

If you had a time machine what would you love to be saying this time next year?

Maybe it’s:

• I’m in a new job that I love
• I got that promotion
• My team is motivated, happy and getting results
• I’m making decisions and getting the right things done
• I’m speaking up and getting noticed for the right reasons
• I’ve stepped up and I’m loving it!

Or something else (I’d love to know…..!)

Who can make this happen? 

You can.

As the saying goes, focus on what YOU can influence and change. 

It’s easy (but lazy) to blame others or make excuses when we’re struggling, unhappy or unsure. But pointing the finger never gets you anywhere - apart from deeper into misery, despair and victimhood. 

Start by taking the Five Keys to Confidence Quiz (it takes 5 minutes and gives you some simple str...